Just like it says in the Constitution, monster truck ownership is a privilege, not a right. That means there’s a certain obligation on the monster truck owner to hold up their end of the deal, and one crucial part of that responsibility is to give your monster truck a bitchin’ name. Here’s five that failed to do just that.

It’s hard to know exactly why some of these monster truck names don’t work—the naming of monster trucks is an art, not a science. And while I respect the goals of getting away from the tired tropes of ‘-zilla’ suffixes and literal-monster-related names, each of these misses the mark in some, often ineffable, way.

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So here you go; I hope these are a sobering warning to all you monster truck owners. And, as always, I invite you to submit poorly-named examples of your own. It’s by working together that we can all get through this.

1. The Bedwetter — Duluth, GA

I appreciate the general concept—what’s something nearly everyone is afraid of, on some deep level?—but I’m just not sure it translates to monstrous truckdom that well. This truck was later renamed The Incontinentiator, with mixed results.

2. Li’l Snuggl’r — Marzipan City, VT

The replacement of letters with apostrophes should be a monster truck no-no. Also, the analogy of the truck crushing cars as ‘snuggling’ may be lost on many fans.

3. Prim Poetess — Sylvia Plath Edition, Woods Hole, MA

While the overlap in monster truck fans and poetry—especially poetry written by women—is well established and understood, the specter of Sylvia Plath’s suicide was almost impossible to avoid, which led every outing of this truck leaving everyone feeling sort of melancholy, a feeling that does not sell nachos and beer.

4. Toasty Socks — Bismark, ND

I’m told this one is actually fairly popular, possibly due to the cold climate where it’s based?

5. The Wet iPhone — Pancreas Springs, MH

At first I thought this was a sponsorship tie-in with some iPhone anti-moisture seal company, but after a few calls, I found that’s not the case. The name was picked as something “designed to make people unsettled and afraid.” I guess it sort of works?

Anyway, I’d love to see some terribly-named monster trucks you’ve found!

(I’m not sure if this needs to be said, but I made these up. For the hell of it.)


Contact the author at jason@jalopnik.com.