Dartz Prombron White Horse Has Gold Trim, No Whale Penis

Saddle up, comrades— the next iteration of the loud and proud Russian paramilitary SUV known as the one and only Dartz Prombron is here; codename: White Horse.

Dartz emailed us to ask:

"Afraid for people who are gunning for you? Then this Russian Dartz Prombron might be the safest car for you. This enormous bunker on wheels is built especially for Chinese who want something more after the Black Dragon and Black Snake [other special, but apparently lesser, Prombron models].

Huh, never really thought about it. Should I be afraid of people gunning for me? Am I really a superspy living in a fugue state a la that Archer/Bob's Burgers crossover episode? Nah, probably not. But I'd still like to have a go behind the wheel of one of these things.

Dartz went on to describe their porcelain pony as a vehicle loaded with "notorious opulence" and all kinds of gadgets a la the Brabus iBusiness. Well, it certainly has more rear leg room than a G-Wagen.

Dartz Prombron White Horse Has Gold Trim, No Whale Penis

We're told twelve White Horse Prombrons are destined for China, while the one they took pictures of will live in Russia.

Good thing Pamela Anderson shut down Dartz's plans to wrap their interiors in whale-penis leather, or the Russians might have had to exterminate an entire generation of whales to secure the metric tons of dick they'd need to finish their production run.

Dartz took the opportunity to let us know they're also already working on a new bodystyle for their behemoth SUV, which will be similar to their current offering but... even longer. Plus some Range Rovery headlights and retro angled-grille badging that I have to admit I dig.

Dartz Prombron White Horse Has Gold Trim, No Whale Penis

They say they're working on Vladimir Putin's next ride, too. No word yet on whether or not it will be optioned with sex toys bearing his likeness.